First Blog / Growing Up PHAT Girl Style

My first blog!! How very exciting this is, indeed. I'd like to start the blog off by telling my story. Many of you have already read this on my Facebook page but I feel like it is such a great way to get to know me and learn my story, where I come from and how I got here. {there are lots of pics included by the way!} I wrote this earlier this year and still get emotional when I read through it. 

Stay tuned on my blog for new posts every day to include venting, struggles, victories, recipes, guest blogs and reviews. I'm excited to tie this blog into my already awesome facebook page. This is just another outlet for me to communicate with you all and share some encouragement that we all need. 

Much love  <3  Melissa

Growing up as a PHAT girl....

For those of you that may not know me personally, or maybe those that haven't known me for long, are probably wondering what my "story" is. Every PHAT girl has one. There are usually the same - come from a big phat family, was a phat kid, ate my feelings, went through some hardships and gained more, kept gaining and gaining, fad diets dont work, blah blah blah and here i am today phat as hell. Mine is really no different. I'm not going to pretend its a sob story. I'm not looking for sympathy. I wont give excuses. I KNOW I did this to myself. It was all MY choices and actions that have made me this heavy and MY choices and actions that prevent me from losing the weight. That is one of the reasons that I am so motivated this time to finally do it and do it right. I've admitted to myself that I have done this to myself. No one else shoved that burger down my throat. No one held a gun to my head and told me to go to the buffet or die. Nobody made me sit on the couch like a total phat ass and watch my life pass me by. So here it is, all out there for everyone to read. I refuse to hide anymore and I refuse to not be honest with myself and others about my weight.

I do come from a family full of phatties. A few have had success losing the extra weight (my sister and my cousin have both lost about 60lbs, YOU GO GUYS!) but for the most part, my extended family is pretty big. With that being said, growing up we always had big meals at parties. My family likes to celebrate with food. My immediate family is Italian so we never had "healthy" dinners but they werent ever really over board on a day to day basis. My mom kept us pretty active growing up but I was never denied food. I always got what I wanted when it came to snacks. Every time my dad picked me up from school we would hit up 7-11 and grab a slurpee and a snack.

As a kid, I was always chubby. I was always picked on. I tried my best to not let it get to me and still be the happy, outgoing kid that I was at heart, but it was hard. One of the first memories I have of being picked on was in third grade when I was out on the playground at recess and a group of kids started chanting "HIPPO!!!" when I was walking toward them to hang out. I was mortified. No one wants to go out of their way to be friends with the phat kid unless they are super funny or a class clown. I wasn't either of those. I was just a normal kid trying desperately to fit in and it just wasnt happening. I remember being around the same age and I was jump roping out front of my house. My neighbor who was my same age, yelled EARTHQUAKE!! Again, mortified.

Moving on to Junior High I got chubbier.. I remember weighing 200lbs in 8th grade. That was before they really had cute plus size clothes for juniors. There was no Torrid to shop at. I struggled with school shopping because NOTHING fit. I found ONE pair of jeans in the juniors department that were a size 13 that I was able to button when I was laying on the bed. I bought 3 pairs and wore them every single day of 8th grade. No joke. I was the phat kid. I did have plenty of friends by this age but no boys were interested in the phat girl. One of the things about Junior high that everyone knows is this is where you become interested in the opposite sex, you start having crushes and boyfriends. You may even get your first kiss. That didnt happen for me. I have journals from this time in my life and reading through it just makes me sad. The same story over and over. "I told so and so to tell the boy that I like him and he told her that I was too phat." or "He doesnt like phat girls." Whatever - your loss. Wish I knew that back then.

Thennnn came high school. The first 2 years I had thinned out just a bit. I felt good! I had cute clothes. I even had my first kiss and my first boyfriend. (Who was a senior might I add) I thought I was hot shit! I had good friends and was creating some awesome memories.

Then sophomore year hit. My mother had been battling Ovarian cancer for a couple years by this point and this year (2003) it took a turn for the worst. She became really sick in February after a surgery and had to be put into a hospice. She was in a hospice for about three months then passed away. I can't even put into words how terrible that was. My whole life just stood still. I didnt know how to move on. I didnt know how to live with out her. I turned to food to comfort me. Slowly, the pounds packed on and on and on. I started dating my first boyfriend a few months after my mom passed and as soon as I was comfortable with him - it was the same thing. packing on the pounds. I felt like I didnt have to impress him anymore. He liked me for me and a few more pounds wouldnt be a big deal.

Jumping to my late teens/ early 20s, I was single, had two best friends, a fake ID and lived in Las Vegas. The town was mine! Or so I thought. I obtained the roll as "the fat friend." Now - dont get me wrong, I know that my friends didnt intentionally put me in that situation or go out with me just because I was fat and they'd feel skinny. But naturally, they were thin and I wasnt so I assumed that role. There was nothing I could do about it. So we would go out and flirt with boys. They would ALWAYS be interested in my friends and never in me. THat SUCKED! I was getting used to being the fat friend and just stopped flirting with boys because i was tired of being let down or having my feelings hurt. You can only hear "Sorry, not interested." so many times before you just give up. And of course, I tried many fad diets over the years and I'd lose a little bit of weight here and there, then I would give up. Gain it all back and then some and have to start over again.

Here I am today, 23 years old. I met my fiance about a year and a half ago and I have never been so in love. He completes me. He gets me. He is my other half, my soul mate, my life, my everything. He has a beautiful daughter, who is seven who is my world too. I have gained weight since we met. So has he. That comes with being comfortable in your relationship.

We have both hit the point in our lives though that we are just done with it. I'm done carrying around all of this weight. My back constantly hurts. I'm constantly feeling awkward. I have started to HATE shopping because nothing ever fits right. I miss out on SO many things because I'm scared or embarrassed of my weight. I want to start school for nursing and the sad thing is, the ONLY thing stopping me is I am deathly afraid that I wont be able to fit in the desks. How pathetic is that???? Putting my goals and future on hold because I'm ashamed and embarrassed of my weight.

Bret and I want to have children of our own in the next couple years and I've come to realize that at this weight - I cant carry a baby. This has been a MAJOR factor in my decision and motivation to do it and stick with it this time. I have to. Its not about just me anymore. Its about my family and my future children. My step daughter needs us healthy too. Do you know how bad it sucks to not be able to run around and play tag with your 7 year old child like you want to? To be winded and have her ask you, "Why are you breathing like that?" I hate it!

So here I am. Open and honest with anyone and everyone who cares, about my past, present and future. 2011 is MY year. (And YOURS too!) I'm ready. I'm committed. I'm going to do this. Its going to be hard as heck. I'm going to be mad, frustrated, want to quit, want to give in and hit the buffet but thats life. This isnt free. You have to WORK and work HARD for it. I have over 100 lbs to lose and its not going to be all butterflies and rainbows. But I am going to keep on keeping on. because its NOW OR NEVER.

  

Cheers to us, this year is the year of change! New habits, new beginnings and a whole new outlook on life. We can do it, as long as we stick together and support one another. Best of luck to everyone! and thank you SO much for all of your support. It means the world to me. You are ALL helping me keep accountable and i am loving it.

Much love,

Melissa